Journey to the holy

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:8)

I feel like Jacob right now, wrestling and crying out for a blessing (Genesis 32:22-32). Go ahead, leave me with a limp, change my name, do what you must, but please Lord, bless me, allow me to journey to Israel.

Last week, I found myself doing the ugly cry breaking before our small group.  You see, many people tell me they respect and admire my discipline.  But you know what?  I am not disciplined at all.  It is easy to get up and workout and exercise, but it is in the areas of my spirit and mind I lack training.  It is here where my laziness is found that I do not press in when it is required.  It is here, knowing the desire to go on a trip that I know will change me from the inside out, that I show such little faith.

I believe God does miracles.  I realize I simply believe He does them for others, not me.  If I am to be honest with you, honest in my struggles and my doubts, in my confessions, that is what I have felt.  I believe God can do this.  I doubt if He will do it for me.  But I want him to, so badly.

It is in this place of wrestling I am coming face to face with my own feelings of unworthiness, in fact, knowing I am unworthy of His holy touch, and that much is true.  But when I am believing others should receive his miracles while I receive none, I am believing a lie. 

In the past week, I have come face to face with so much ugliness in my own life; I have come to see just how small my faith really is.  Though I long for God to accomplish this task, I see it all slipping away.  My husband remains steady, sure that this will be, while I tremble in fear that I am not going to be deemed worth being on this journey. 

In one moment I see myself walking those holy places, and in the next I see myself at home, viewing the pictures being posted of those who have gone.  I do not know what the outcome will be, even if I long to believe this will all come to be. 

I know God is able.  I know my own doubts.  I know I should be thankful for the very breath I take, each and every one.  I know I am wrestling, wanting something more.  I know my mind is spinning in cycles of insanity, cycles of belief and disbelief, and the two cannot exist together.  There is no harmony in my doubt. 

But even this is part of my journey toward the holy.



*I encourage you to view the class being presented by Kristi Mc, in preparation for the journey to Israel by clicking here.
**As of today, I have received $525 from the kindess of a few people. That means there is $4000 + to go, and with time closing in, the need becomes more pressing.