Yesterday afternoon, I was talking to a sweet friend of mine who is happily married and, last I heard, expecting a baby girl. I asked her when she was due. Her response? "Three weeks ago, I lost our baby, at 7.5 months pregnant. We held her after I delivered her." The doctors have no clue what happened. They are left with their grief, unanswered questions, and the pain of losing their child. I have questioned God before on this issue, knowing He does not have to answer in order to still be God. In fact, I had my own problems with the idea of being pregnant due to past circumstances. The spirit of fear, it's cruel, cunning, and deceiving. I wept for her, for her husband, for their little girl who will greet them in Heaven one day. I wept harder as she said, "she's in a better place, we're just taking it one day at a time." She acknowledges her hurt and grief, and yet still acknowledges God's goodness. That is faith in action.
Last night, I spoke to a dear friend who is in the process of adoption. I am thrilled they have chosen this avenue to have a child; it's a subject dear to my own heart. She and her husband had been told the children would more than likely be in their home by Christmas. Well, thanks to an "oops" by the CPS worker, that will no longer happen. My friend was angry, very angry. Everyday, as a teacher, she sees kids who are mistreated by relatives the courts have given a child to, and everyday, her stomach turns and her heart aches. One small oversight will keep her kids, the two God knew would be hers one day, from entering her home a little longer. She and her hsuband ache for their children, wanting them safe, at home.
And still another friend continues to deal with nightmares from her past. Nightmares created by a stepfather who crossed boundaries and lines that should have never been crossed. She questions God, she wonders why, but each day, she goes on. Her stepfather's actions keep her doubting herself, disbelieving her own worth, leaving her to feel alone. She needs to find rest.
As I think about these situations, and so many more, a beautiful blog comes to mind. As my friend wonderfully stated, "God can answer for himself." Oh how I wish I had read this, or thought of this, or had shut up long enough to hear God say this years ago. I wonder how many times I have spoken when God was trying to; I wonder how often I have been the one cutting communication between the heavenly Father and his child(ren). I have admitted before, I have some problems, lots of them. But, I am learning.
More than anything, I am learning, seeing, and experiencing that at the depths of grief, there is still beauty, and hope. There in the depths, when all seems lost and like there's no way out, God still is. I am trying to speak less, listen more, and tune my ear(s) to my Father's voice. I am learning, that at the depths of grief, we need our feelings validated, the green light to express exactly how we feel in that moment, and be loved enough to stay there, for as long as it takes, but not until paralysis has set in.
So go on friends, shout, scream, rage, and cry. Beat your chest until exhaustion overcomes you. But at the end of it all, when there is nothing left, I pray you find yourself face to face with your Savior, and falling in love with Him.