Last night, as I was relaxing in a warm bath (part of my nightly ritual now), and anticipating sleeping in our new bed, I began to think about a post I wrote a year ago. I had no choice but to then turn my thoughts to where we are now in life. Let me explain.
For two years, Andy and I were praying about having a child, and for lack of a better term, "trying" (don't ask why, but I hate that phrase). I never once got bent out of shape, never seemed to worry. We both simply chose to trust that God would begin to knit the child together when the time was right. The questions from other people? They never seemed to end. Occassionally, I felt like something was wrong with us. We should have kids already, especially after that much time. We should be more concerned! Something! I do not believe that anyone intentionally set out to make us feel badly about any of it, but some of their comments stung, just a bit.
After a while, I had to write about it, had to get it out. I needed to explain why I would not worry about the fact I was not yet pregnant, why I would not go get all the tests my doctor told me about. Here's an excerpt from that post:
Who am I to question God's sovereignty or plan for our lives? Who am I to say anything but, "YES!" to whatever it is that our Savior has for us? Who am I to tell God that He, the one who created this whole great big universe, messed up with me or my husband? We simply trust. We trust that God knows what He is doing, that He has a reason for us not having kids at this point. We just simply trust. --The lack of pitter-pattering little feet, Aug 26, 2006.
Two years, virtually to the day, we found out we were pregnant. Here I am, in my fourth month of pregnancy, looking back at the journey. Unlike many women's stories I have heard, it was not a journey filled with sorrow and doubt. I am thankful for that. I worried, for many reasons, about having a child. But this summer, something in my way of thinking changed. God spoke, gently, to my heart, and changed me. That's the best way I know how to explain it. We waited, and we placed our hope in the the Lord, "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope" (Psalm 130:5).
As we continue on this path, not knowing what lies ahead, we are still ok. We still trust, and we still hope. And this adventure? It is good.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (Psalm 16:7-11)