Me: I am struggling Lord
God: So I've noticed
Me: I feel confused, all the time
God: If you would ask me, I could help
Me: I know, but I'm still kind of mad at you
God: You miss your nephew, Camden
Me: yes. I don't like that you took him, that my family hurt so deeply.
God: I know what it is like to love that much
Me: I couldn't do anything, and I can't do anything to help them, to make it better. I have no jokes, no silliness, nothing.
God: No one asked you to do anything
Me: Before Mamo died, she told me to take care of our family, that it was my job. I can't take care of them.
God: You missed her point
Me: Nothing new there I guess
God: She only wanted you to love them, to continue praying for them as you had been, she knew you couldn't keep them from hurting
Me: Yes, but I don't like feeling so helpless, and being so far away
God: That's because you are neglecting your faith
Me: Hard to have faith when my heart is so bitter
God: Oh so true
Me: It just hurts, more often than it doesn't
God: I know, with every blow of the whip, with every nail that pierced me, I know how deeply you hurt. But you must have faith. You can go on like you are, but your heart will become hardened.
Me: So, I would feel nothing, that doesn't sound so bad sometimes
God: But your husband needs you to feel, Cailey needs you to feel, everyone I have placed in your life needs you to feel
Me: I know, but the knowledge of my head and the faith of my heart sometimes don't agree
God: Yes, I know that about you
Me: I'm scared to have kids. I am not tough like my sister, I don't think I could stand to lose a child, and still remain so faithful
God: No one is tough outside of the strength I give
Me: It scares me
God: I know, but you must trust me
Me: I have to live it out, in everything I do, let it show that I trust you to take care of it.
God: Yep, it's all mine to begin with anyway
Me: So, it all goes to your cross, no fair being an Indian giver?
God: (chuckle) Pretty much, yes. Your husband, your family, everything, must be given to me
Me: If I don't?
God: You will always be discontent
Me: Sure, you had to go there
God: You've always liked honesty, and blatant honesty at that, haven't you?
Me: I guess
God: Even when the world has called you a failure, I have not
Me: Even though I am such a mess?
God: Exactly, even though you are a mess, and an entertaining one at that.
Me: Thanks, I think
God: (chuckle) Your heart is already being remade, and softened
Me: I still don't know what roads to take, which career paths, things like that
God: What if I gave you a choice?
Me: What if you just told me what to do?
God: Then would you need faith?
Me: Probably not, but I wouldn't be so confused! =)
God: Yes you would.
Me: It is my usual state of being
God: Yep
Me: Hey!
God: I'm just agreeing
Me: So, I may just have to try and see?
God; Yep. If you will talk to me more along the way, I can help
Me: Always a catch
God: No, just a better way of doing things
Me: Is there hope for me?
God: more than you will ever know
Me: Thanks
God: Welcome, kid.
In brief, the above is the conversation that has been going on with God and I since sometime Saturday. It started with our women's fellowship, continued on with seeing End of the Spear, and went on even more during church yesterday. It is good to converse with God, I have avoided him, to a point, for so long. My anger over my nephew's death has become comfortable, and I wasn't sure how things would change when I let go of that. But, God, in his persistent love, would not allow me to stay in my anger, to continue on as I had. So, we had to chat.
I still don't have all the answers to the questions I am asking, but I do know, have been reassured, that God is watching out for me. He's prompting me to be consistent in my time with him, regardless of what filth of my own life I may have to encounter. But, I am ok with that. So, the journey, the adventure I call faith, continues on, and that's a good thing.
Blessings.
PS: You MUST go see End of the Spear as soon as possible! It is a powerful and incredible movie that will inspire and challenge you. Go to www.endofthespear.com for more on the movie.
Jan 23, 2006
Jan 18, 2006
Hooray for snow
It has finally happened, we have a snow day here in Williamson County. They were nice enough to wait until after I had showered and started waking up to announce it, as it usually goes. Oh well, a day off is a day off. I guess I have no excuse not to do some cleaning now, since I have all day (bummer) to do it. I should send in a request that such things be posted earlier, when it would be easier for me to get back into bed and return to peaceful slumber. I'm sure the school board would bow to my every desire...hahahaha. Yep, I need to return to bed now.
Good news! Peggy is done with chemo! Happy dance, happy dance! I'm about to do cartwheels for her! I THINK she starts radiation in February, so don't stop praying! She will speak this Saturday at a women's worship for our church, and I cannot wait. I doubt there will be a dry eye in the place. It is going to be awesome, much like Peggy.
Yesterday, my nephew, Camden, would have turned three. Surprisingly, I had no big breakdown at any time during the day (I had planned a lot for my classes, so there was no down time, and the song "Held" by Natalie Grant never came on). I sent a little text message to my sister, letting her know I was thinking about them, and that was that. There are days I think that was all "just pretend," that Camden is alive and growing. Maybe because I live so far away, but there are days my mind can't wrap around everything that happened, or possibly my mind doesn't want to. As I told Cailey, Camden gets a birthday party with Jesus, and I'm sure that's better than any party here. Selfish me, I want him to still be here with us though. Fittingly enough, it rained all day and was dreary out, so the weather took care of expressing how my heart felt.
Let's talk about Andy, my precious husband. I don't think I say enough about the man. He's incredible. Enough said....haha, not really. Well, he is incredible, that's just not all I plan on saying about him. I was thinking last night how different we are, he's calculating, a "thinker", deliberate in what he says and does, and highly analytical. Me? I'm a "free spirit" (That's the nice way of saying I act and speak before I think), am highly social, and a risk taker. He has told me I helped him become more goofy (not sure that's a compliment now that I read it), and he helps me deal with the serious side. Last night, he said there would be no situation our kids couldn't handle because between the two of us, they would experience most types of moods and personalities: analytical, social, moody, silly, empathy, all of it. Come to think of it, between the two of us, there is a lot of ground covered. If you had asked me years ago what kind of man I would marry, Andy would not have matched my "list". I envisioned an athletic guy, maybe a coach or something like that, not a musician/computer geek, who has way above average intelligence. It just goes to show that God knows so much better than we do as to what we need in life. In fact, he surpassed my idea of the "perfect" man for me.
And with that, I'm out of here, off to enjoy the fact I have no school today.....and maybe I'll take an early nap. Blessings to you all.
Oh yes, my friend Lisa, whose mom is battling cancer has been doing well. She's tired and weak a lot, but the tumors are being reduced. Keep on praying people, it's working!!!!!!!
Good news! Peggy is done with chemo! Happy dance, happy dance! I'm about to do cartwheels for her! I THINK she starts radiation in February, so don't stop praying! She will speak this Saturday at a women's worship for our church, and I cannot wait. I doubt there will be a dry eye in the place. It is going to be awesome, much like Peggy.
Yesterday, my nephew, Camden, would have turned three. Surprisingly, I had no big breakdown at any time during the day (I had planned a lot for my classes, so there was no down time, and the song "Held" by Natalie Grant never came on). I sent a little text message to my sister, letting her know I was thinking about them, and that was that. There are days I think that was all "just pretend," that Camden is alive and growing. Maybe because I live so far away, but there are days my mind can't wrap around everything that happened, or possibly my mind doesn't want to. As I told Cailey, Camden gets a birthday party with Jesus, and I'm sure that's better than any party here. Selfish me, I want him to still be here with us though. Fittingly enough, it rained all day and was dreary out, so the weather took care of expressing how my heart felt.
Let's talk about Andy, my precious husband. I don't think I say enough about the man. He's incredible. Enough said....haha, not really. Well, he is incredible, that's just not all I plan on saying about him. I was thinking last night how different we are, he's calculating, a "thinker", deliberate in what he says and does, and highly analytical. Me? I'm a "free spirit" (That's the nice way of saying I act and speak before I think), am highly social, and a risk taker. He has told me I helped him become more goofy (not sure that's a compliment now that I read it), and he helps me deal with the serious side. Last night, he said there would be no situation our kids couldn't handle because between the two of us, they would experience most types of moods and personalities: analytical, social, moody, silly, empathy, all of it. Come to think of it, between the two of us, there is a lot of ground covered. If you had asked me years ago what kind of man I would marry, Andy would not have matched my "list". I envisioned an athletic guy, maybe a coach or something like that, not a musician/computer geek, who has way above average intelligence. It just goes to show that God knows so much better than we do as to what we need in life. In fact, he surpassed my idea of the "perfect" man for me.
And with that, I'm out of here, off to enjoy the fact I have no school today.....and maybe I'll take an early nap. Blessings to you all.
Oh yes, my friend Lisa, whose mom is battling cancer has been doing well. She's tired and weak a lot, but the tumors are being reduced. Keep on praying people, it's working!!!!!!!
Jan 8, 2006
All Things New
2006 is now in full swing. Friday, I had to report back to school. The end of my wonderful vacation. It was good to see my coworkers, my friends, and to be in our new building. Tomorrow the kids will come, and we'll see just how crazy one single day can be. I have been spoiled the last two weeks, and have loved every minute of it. It is good to have a time of rest, to be able to do my own thing, if only for a time.
The women's servant team met on Saturday morning. Talk about some fun, food, and fellowship. Our schedule was tossed aside by the Spirit, who chose to open everyone up about where God is taking them, struggles that are being faced, and victories that have been won. My heart was so full when I left that place. As an added bonus, sweet Peggy was there. Let me just restate, the woman is beautiful. She has more grace about her than anyone I know. Regardless of the fact her hair is gone, and she feels weak (which is insane considering the extreme squeezing hugs she gives), and all that has come with going to war against cancer, she still remains such an image of Christ's beauty. I am understanding more how God views us as his beautiful bride the more I am around Peggy. She does not intentionally set out to be so astounding I don't think, it's just who she is, and who God is in her. Please continue to pray for her too, this is her last week of chemo (HOORAY), and radiation will begin in February. Then, it's off to race her son in whose hair grows the fastest. I might just miss all of her vibrant scarves however.
During our time together, there was also a big discussion about grief. There are so many dealing with death, and how to grieve. My theory is this, it is not something you get over, it is something you go through. We cannot avoid the pain, especially that of losing someone, it is something to be felt to our core. We must allow ourselves to feel it, in our every fiber, and then allow it to lessen, slowly. At the beginning, middle, and end of it, is the very real presence of a heavenly Father who understands it all too, which is how we get through. I think it is important to feel shaken and torn in every fiber of our being. When we feel that, we can begin to see that God will help us survive it, that we WILL get through it. So, we walk away with some scrapes and bruises, some scars along the way. These are our reminders of God's power and love; if we were never "beaten up", we would never realize how deep our need is for Him. Finally, if you do not know what to say to someone who is going through the process of grieving, please please please, SAY NOTHING! A simple, "I love you and I'm praying for you" will mean so much more than what most try to fill the silence with.
My prayer, a few months ago, would be that God would reconnect me to people in my past, people He blessed me with. God has answered in a big way! I just got off the phone with my friend Dennis, someone my sister actually randomly met while on a trip. Funny how God works, and how consistent He is in using my big sister in things of Him. It was so good to hear Dennis' voice, to hear where God has taken him the last few years. I found out that, until 10 months ago, he was no more than an hour away since I moved to TN. That fact made me mad at first, seeing as how he was so close without me knowing, then it just made me laugh. This whole time, I could have been reconnecting with an old friend, he could have met my precious husband, but no. God, in his divine sense of humor, waits until Dennis is back in TX. It's wonderful really. Dennis was in the army, and served in Iraq. I told him I was thankful God protected him and that he returned safely. Whether or not society agrees with what is going on, I have the utmost repect for the men and women who willingly serve this country. I simply can't imagine that.
I told Dennis it was hard to lose contact with some of our FCA buddies, but he stated it beautifully by saying, "During those summers when we were working at FCA camps, God was equipping us and teaching us. Then, he sent us out, all over the world to equip others." I pray I don't forget that anytime soon.
I'm leaving you with some things to add to your prayer lists, please pray for the following as often as you think of them:
Lisa Bush's mom - cancer
Jen Spivey's grandmother - alzheimers
Peggy - cancer
Jenny Briggs - cancer
The women's servant team met on Saturday morning. Talk about some fun, food, and fellowship. Our schedule was tossed aside by the Spirit, who chose to open everyone up about where God is taking them, struggles that are being faced, and victories that have been won. My heart was so full when I left that place. As an added bonus, sweet Peggy was there. Let me just restate, the woman is beautiful. She has more grace about her than anyone I know. Regardless of the fact her hair is gone, and she feels weak (which is insane considering the extreme squeezing hugs she gives), and all that has come with going to war against cancer, she still remains such an image of Christ's beauty. I am understanding more how God views us as his beautiful bride the more I am around Peggy. She does not intentionally set out to be so astounding I don't think, it's just who she is, and who God is in her. Please continue to pray for her too, this is her last week of chemo (HOORAY), and radiation will begin in February. Then, it's off to race her son in whose hair grows the fastest. I might just miss all of her vibrant scarves however.
During our time together, there was also a big discussion about grief. There are so many dealing with death, and how to grieve. My theory is this, it is not something you get over, it is something you go through. We cannot avoid the pain, especially that of losing someone, it is something to be felt to our core. We must allow ourselves to feel it, in our every fiber, and then allow it to lessen, slowly. At the beginning, middle, and end of it, is the very real presence of a heavenly Father who understands it all too, which is how we get through. I think it is important to feel shaken and torn in every fiber of our being. When we feel that, we can begin to see that God will help us survive it, that we WILL get through it. So, we walk away with some scrapes and bruises, some scars along the way. These are our reminders of God's power and love; if we were never "beaten up", we would never realize how deep our need is for Him. Finally, if you do not know what to say to someone who is going through the process of grieving, please please please, SAY NOTHING! A simple, "I love you and I'm praying for you" will mean so much more than what most try to fill the silence with.
My prayer, a few months ago, would be that God would reconnect me to people in my past, people He blessed me with. God has answered in a big way! I just got off the phone with my friend Dennis, someone my sister actually randomly met while on a trip. Funny how God works, and how consistent He is in using my big sister in things of Him. It was so good to hear Dennis' voice, to hear where God has taken him the last few years. I found out that, until 10 months ago, he was no more than an hour away since I moved to TN. That fact made me mad at first, seeing as how he was so close without me knowing, then it just made me laugh. This whole time, I could have been reconnecting with an old friend, he could have met my precious husband, but no. God, in his divine sense of humor, waits until Dennis is back in TX. It's wonderful really. Dennis was in the army, and served in Iraq. I told him I was thankful God protected him and that he returned safely. Whether or not society agrees with what is going on, I have the utmost repect for the men and women who willingly serve this country. I simply can't imagine that.
I told Dennis it was hard to lose contact with some of our FCA buddies, but he stated it beautifully by saying, "During those summers when we were working at FCA camps, God was equipping us and teaching us. Then, he sent us out, all over the world to equip others." I pray I don't forget that anytime soon.
I'm leaving you with some things to add to your prayer lists, please pray for the following as often as you think of them:
Lisa Bush's mom - cancer
Jen Spivey's grandmother - alzheimers
Peggy - cancer
Jenny Briggs - cancer
Jan 1, 2006
And a new year begins
What a wonderful Christmas we had! Our trip to Texas was great fun, and filled with lots of laughter and joy. It was so nice to be surrounded by family. Andy and my parents teamed up to get me a digital camera. I have added some pictures on Shutterfly.com. Hopefully, you will be able to view them simply by clicking on the word underlined above. Carsynn, the most recent addition to the family, is adorable...with a capital "A"! She is so precious, and smiles all the time. She hardly cries, and when she does, it's more like a whimper. Cailey has also promised to teach Carsynn all the fun dances I have shown Cailey, despite my sister's protests.
Andy had to fly back on the 27th, while everyone but Dad headed up to NM. I was able to see some relatives I have not seen in a year or more, and what a treat that was! Children are growing up (funny how they do that), and new ones have been added. Plus, it is always good for my soul to be up in the mountains, it's nice and peaceful up there. Despite the number of children there, it was suprisingly calm (not too calm, but not as chaotic as expected either). Everyone got along fine, and it was good to hug my cousins and aunts rather than just email them.
Due to a problem with the plane, I was not able to return Friday as planned. Cailey dubbed it the "best day ever", though Andy disagreed a bit. I finally made it home late Saturday afternoon, which was fine since Andy and I are not big party goers and didn't have plans to ring in the new year. Instead, we grabbed a bite to eat, rented some movies, and watched the ball drop in NY on TV. Some folks in the neighborhood also had fireworks going, so we feel like we celebrated enough. Welcome 2006!
Our church met, for the first time, in the church's new "home." The service was only scheduled to last an hour, but God took over, kids behaved, and we went for almost 2. It was an incredible time of worship and hearing how God is working in His people. It was beyond encouraging to hear the testimonies of our church family. A group called "Pocket Full of Rocks" led the music, and they were incredible. They are a new worship group coming out, and I HIGHLY recommend supporting them. Their music was a blessing!
The new year has come, and who knows what lies ahead. I hope, as Kirk Whalum said, that we forget what has passed, and look ahead seeking NEW works of God. No need to do things as we've always done, God wants to do something new. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
Andy had to fly back on the 27th, while everyone but Dad headed up to NM. I was able to see some relatives I have not seen in a year or more, and what a treat that was! Children are growing up (funny how they do that), and new ones have been added. Plus, it is always good for my soul to be up in the mountains, it's nice and peaceful up there. Despite the number of children there, it was suprisingly calm (not too calm, but not as chaotic as expected either). Everyone got along fine, and it was good to hug my cousins and aunts rather than just email them.
Due to a problem with the plane, I was not able to return Friday as planned. Cailey dubbed it the "best day ever", though Andy disagreed a bit. I finally made it home late Saturday afternoon, which was fine since Andy and I are not big party goers and didn't have plans to ring in the new year. Instead, we grabbed a bite to eat, rented some movies, and watched the ball drop in NY on TV. Some folks in the neighborhood also had fireworks going, so we feel like we celebrated enough. Welcome 2006!
Our church met, for the first time, in the church's new "home." The service was only scheduled to last an hour, but God took over, kids behaved, and we went for almost 2. It was an incredible time of worship and hearing how God is working in His people. It was beyond encouraging to hear the testimonies of our church family. A group called "Pocket Full of Rocks" led the music, and they were incredible. They are a new worship group coming out, and I HIGHLY recommend supporting them. Their music was a blessing!
The new year has come, and who knows what lies ahead. I hope, as Kirk Whalum said, that we forget what has passed, and look ahead seeking NEW works of God. No need to do things as we've always done, God wants to do something new. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
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